The Black Ribbon.

It is a symbol of remembrance and/or mourning.

I feel like I should wear one, find one… instead i settle for simply wearing black. All black. maybe there is some color to off-set all the darkness but even then… one could hardly argue all the black i wear. i am monochrome. i am monotone.

i think of my mother. mom. mommy. my dearest brightest person. gone. i want a take-back. even though i know that is not possible not gonna happen. not this time. there is no way to go back to start over not this way not in that way.

it will be like this now forever or as long as forever is for me. it is a life sentence a rest of life sentence.

i think of me and my life. the past. i think of little me. treacherous little me. i should have listened to mother more or at least even a little. i would not have been so broken then. i try to tell myself these things but even then i do not cannot understand.

How? That’s not true… that’s not how it works how it ever worked.

life was not fair to me but it was not fair to any of us. life screwed us all.

and all the unspoken secrets the words that drop from your mouth silently but travel from your eyes. the accusations the sadness uncontrollable grief the why did i never asks why couldn’t i have at least tried for closure? but you know that was never you never what you were there for. even if sometimes you wish it was.