Search

A Pillar of Salt

Remember Me Kindly

it’s not about the money honey

I try so hard even now but I can never wrap my head around it… How could it have happened? When did she ever have time? Then I do as I always do when I am frightened: I tell myself a story. I hide secrets (facts that we don’t talk about) in these stories. I chase them around my head. In the darkness I wait. In the light I run.

Mom always said that daddy wasn’t my father, that I was a disappointment and a failure, that I was ugly and too fat, that I shouldn’t eat, shouldn’t compete. I should keep my head down cause if I ever raised it I would be cut down. I always stood up spoke up. I did not care who you were. Or at least that’s how the story that I tell myself on bad days go…

But I don’t think I’m fooling anyone let alone you… not that you ever cared or will ever care.

You never paid child support.

You never visited or even tried to.

You never checked up on me.

You never gave even the littlest of shits about me.

When I was 15 at Haileybury mom must have finally asked you for some of that money you never gave… you demanded a dna test and I was forced to comply at my mother’s discretion. She refused the money after it was shown that you were my biological father. I told my mother then and still think it now: you were never my father… I don’t care if I have your blood in my veins.

Except…

I do care. You who could have saved me from all the scars wounds beaten downs. You could have saved me from my family and my friends and myself. You could have saved me from my numerous attackers.

But you were you so you chose not too. After all, you didn’t give a fuck about me.

You called on August 5th in 2014 my mother’s phone. I have her number now. You didn’t even know she had been fighting an uphill battle with endometrial cancer. You didn’t know she had passed away the day before. You proved you didn’t even know my birthday as that was your pretense for calling. You were in my mother’s phone book till the end. It makes me try to avoid thinking about whether I ever truly knew anything about my mother. I’ll succeed you’ll see I’ll get over your immediate and constant rejection of my existence. I’ll have to or I’ll be consumed by this rage and immense sorrow that fills my mind and heart and lungs from time to time. More often than not now…. Is it sad that you seemed to make my mother happier than my daddy?  And you were never even there let alone did you ever care…

Let me tell you a secret asshole:

You are the one who broke my daddy. You and your existence in my mother’s life no matter how short had a great impact on our family lives and cohabitation practices.

Daddy tried to have me aborted and mom saw no reason not to. She used to say she never had the time to get me aborted.

She hated me or at least claimed to right to the bitter end.

And guess what I don’t hate you at least I don’t think so… In fact I don’t think I can.

I think you’re cool shit from what I’ve heard about you…

Not that you’d ever care.

We begged you for help with her funeral expenses and you called us gold diggers …

So mom’s ashes never got to be interned where she wanted to be.

That’s on you not just us.

Not that you care right?

Well father go right on living.

Life was made for shallow bodies like you.

For complex bodies like ours: we get the vortex the black hole the nothingness.

I wonder if you ever looked how would you describe the negation of being of existence.

Or if you’d be able to see and comprehend it let alone explain or describe it all.

 

Mom called me Nightingale. Mom gave me the sin box.

But you committed an atrocity far worse.

You had viable sperm.

You fathered me.

why?

because all the secrets suffocated me

until i remembered i couldn’t breathe

in the face of God

he killed me

my voice

 

he laughed

in the face of God

 

my silence

a void

of laughter

once filled

with brightness

 

a voice

I once called

my own.

 

mute

broken body

 

he sees

he creates

me

this disfigured

soul

filled with anger

hate

 

my father cries

to me

his hurt

at my terror-stricken

eyes

 

he just wanted a hug

to comfort

to protect

 

yet

I became

an animal

striking out

with cold words

to any man

I saw

or heard.

 

Never mind if they

were kind

 

I

simply saw

them

for

Man

 

Man

became

him

 

he who beat me

down

 

he who choked me

out

 

he who shut me

up

 

he laughed

in the face of God

 

who proved to be

useless

 

if God exists

I cried

I want no part in

it

 

If God exists

I admitted

I hate

it

 

If God

then I’d rather

not

 

God

I prayed

if you’re there

if you’re listening

Fuck you

I hate you

 

God

if I could

if you were real

I would like

to kill you

 

I cried

in the face of God

 

fury

hate

they won the day

 

he won

as he had killed

me

and thus

killed

God

 

he laughed

in the face of God

 

he may have killed

me

 

destroyed

me

 

but

 

I am not so easy

to erase

 

laughing still

in the face of God

 

he stands

a beautiful woman

next to him

holding a child

 

and I realize

how much

of a monster

I’ve become

 

so I start

to write it out

 

try to let go

 

and God

 

if you exist

if you’re real

 

Fuck you

 

I

don’t know

 

But one day

I’ll laugh

too.

Come Home Again, One Day When I Am Gone

You don’t remember or pretend not to. I play along as I love you. But it hurts. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

Let me confess to you. Let me shout it down. Let the world know.

I am the scars of yours. I am the knife. I am the blood. The bleeding.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop. Sometimes I realize it will not.

Must I go away? Far away? (Like the boy with the baseball cap left me. Like Lise & KK walked away.) Must I leave? I want to give you peace.

Peace you will probably never feel as long as I am here to prick at your subconscious memories that left or were blocked out long ago.

I need to remind myself to breathe. But then I look. Fall back down. Can I say RUN? No. It’s too late.

Little girl, I’ll keep running back to you. Attempting to. Smile. Broken. Let me hug you. Let me speak. Let me listen.

Don’t go. But no one ever listened.

The call. The flight. I open the door. Beige trench coat on (my soul). Silver chain on. Boy with the baseball cap. He’s there. RUN.

I open my mouth. No sound. MUTE. Broken body. I will forever wonder. RUN. SCREAM. But most of all. Don’t break.

I am not sure if I did.

one step

one step closer

one

one

one?

seems still

so far

mother

i walked

without you

i promised

i would

never learn

life without

but

but

but?

here

i am

breathing

still

moving

sleeping

even if

not dreaming

still

life…

it went on.

even

no matter

i thought

it should

not.

fly away birdie

And maybe they

Those nightmares
Nightmare Men
Will they ever get their due?
And my little bird
My boy with the baseball cap
He must have loved you so so
He helped you

My cinder baby
You escaped
And I never knew you

Your name

Your eyes
They tore you away
But I still love you
I sometimes fear
Whenever I remember you
I will always run sobbing shrieking

Tear me apart
Take it

Tear it out
This heart
What use is it anyway?
No one ever stayed
You should be happy

You should smile
You probably already do
You don’t need me
I wish you did

poison

What’s wrong?

 

my face

mine

hers

 

“suck it up”

“get over it”

 

but this wound

still has not healed

 

it’s bleeding

gushing

 

a gaping wound

 

my mind a hole

a void

 

am i just a hole?

 

i want to hide

my face

me

 

crawl back

into the pit

I fought

to escape

 

at least there

no one could see

me

my face

no one could see

me

the it

 

‘poison’

 

grandma was right

wasn’t she?

I taint everything

I touch

everything

I love

 

mother was wrong.

I can’t be a hero.

 

hug me.

 

but don’t

 

it’s too late.

not cancer

not cancer

but still

tumor

brain?

frontal lobe

fair?

what does that even mean?

was it fair

when i had enough

more than enough

and all those others

they starved

they wanted

they needed

and now

this is my

my karma

my justice

to be faced with

not my greatest fear

no that already

happened

already

was

no this might be just

second

a close one

but still second

the potential

to lose what i value most

my mind

my self

i guess in this

i must come to face

with my own narcissism

i never wanted

to believe

i was one such person

until this happened

no one ever

wants to admit

come face to face

with their dirt

their fears

their secrets

no one believes

until they have to

until the truth

comes and beats

them down

smacks them

in the face

like the cold hard slab

of concrete

that i luckily smashed into

so i could get the scan

that told me

i had you.

Family

You are not family

“You have to earn that”

You are just blood

Do you even know what it means to be family?

Do you know what family is?

A light shining in a house

bright and warm

a fire in the hearth

where home is

where mother father sister brother is

where you are

where I am

family

hugs denied

hugs forced upon us to our joy

the anger and sadness too

that is family

running into the night

no shoes on

promising to not look back

of course you look back

and stop

you backtrack

tears in your eyes running crashing down your face

shame

you are ashamed

you look around

you slump slouch

head down

you turn back

you return

family

it is what calls you home

mother father sister brother

gone away

but will come back

will be seen again

someday somehow

I try to write something substantial while I wait

I am not sure if I succeed.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑